My Husband Has A Low Sex Drive

by Barbara
(Brighton, MA)

My sexual health problem: I'm a married woman with 3 children. My husband is a very good person and father but has never had much interest in sex.

I've always been the one who has to put an initiative into that, and lately our sex life became not existence. We talked to a doctor who said that nothing is wrong with my husband; he just simply has low sex drive. I'm sick and tired of pretending to be satisfied.

Is it the reason to leave him despite the fact my children adore him and otherwise our relationship is good? Should I consider myself numb or dead? Recently I started to look into relationships for married people and was shocked at how many people have problem with marital sex and can't just leave.

It's amazing how many people want a spark back to their life. Are all of them liars or we're trying to please spouses, children, live under obligations and pretend to be happy and satisfied? Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this

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My Husband Has A Low Sex Drive

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Low Testosterone Level
by: Anonymous

My husband talked to his doc. He had normal testosterone level... FOR A 90 YEAR OLD MAN!!! Doc prescribed Androgel which he rubs on his abdominal area every morning. Things aren't 100% yet but they've definitely gotten better.
Have your husband tested - he'll thank you for it!
help
by: Anonymous

i love my man beyond and back again, he is not working so there is no stress that way but i do have 3 kiddies that he has taken on as his own and loves them as much as he loves me. Our problem is our sex life for me not for him, i would like 1 to 2 times a day, he gets hard at least 5 times a day but when we can (and i always make sure there is at least once a day where we can)he always has an excuse why he cant. i feel like it is me, that i am that horrible that he doesn't want me... All our friends are skinny and perfect and i am not, so i think i am the problem...all my past relationships were very sexual and i seem to have lost it on this one. It hurts like all hell ...what do i do??????????? i am out of answers..........................
overweight boyfriend
by: Anonymous

my boyfriend is overweight, but i don't care. I am still very attracted to him. He doesn't want to have sex, he says, b/c he is self-conscious about his body. But i tell him over and over i don't care. he was single for 10 years. He was and still is really into porn. I'm an attractive woman and he turns me on, but I'm almost begging for sex. He tells me he his tired and gives me what I think are just excuses. When i try to talk about it, he gets angry. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
Should I go or stay??
by: Anonymous

I am going into my 3rd year of marriage with my husband (my first, his 2nd). I am a 33yo woman, I consider myself to be attractive. My husband thinks so too, he is always saying how beautiful I am and how sexy I look. He never says he's horny or that he wants to make love to me. At bedtime, I'm the one who initiates sex. I should mention that he's 12 years older than me. I don't think that matters because I have girlfriends with older husbands and they talk about how fulfilled they are in bed. There have been times that we've gone weeks without sex. We've never gone over a month because I won't have it. I find myself just taking it from him. He doesn't complain. I just wish he'd crave me..just once. I've spent so many nights lying beside him in bed with tears streaming down my face while listening to him snore. I've put pillow between my legs and some nights I even masturbate right there in the bed with him.

Before we were married, I looked forward to those imaginary days when he'd call from the office and tell me how bad he wanted me and that he was taking his lunch break to come home and "handle me". Well, three years later and I've yet to receive that phone call. I don't know what else to do. Just as a lot of you here, I've thought about cheating but I can't look at myself in the mirror and love the woman that looks back. It kills me inside to even think about being with another man. I want my husband. I have a daughter, but I'd like to have a child with my husband seeing as though he doesn't have children. I've been told if he has a low sex drive now that it will only get worse the older he gets.

We've never had "make up" sex. He says he's not emotionally connected when we have an argument and it takes a while for him to feel sexually aroused. All I know to do is to continue to pray and bug the crap out of him until he comes around.

:/ anonymous
My own experience.
by: Anonymous

I love my husband and don't doubt he loves me unconditionally as well, but ever since we started dating, I noticed his interest for intercourse was not as high as the other men I always dated. It used to drive me crazy at first, and I even considered breaking up with him when he proposed. I talked to many people about this problem, even with my former husband, friends, my sister, etc. In the end, I decided to get married and he seemed a very happy man at the ceremony. We had sex only on the second day of our honey moon.

I started reading about the subject and some people who really care told me that their husbands had some problems as well. Even my sister's husband told me her husband touches her not regularly. By the way, we are speaking of Muslims here. I'm Christian though.

Now I have been married for about 5 months and this is my conclusion: I dated men who wanted to have sex with me all the time, even my ex-husband was like that. Sometimes any kiss or holding hands would probably end up is us having sex. I was not really happy about that either; it made me feel as an object only.

Now with my husband I can spend hours talking or watching TV and no signs of intercourse are in the horizon. I love how tender and sweet our moments can be. If I want him he is willing of course, and he is ready in seconds. He is shy about sex, it's my understanding. I think of all the positive about this situation: it's less likely he'll cheat based on just sexual attraction alone. He's told me of stories were girls actually thought he was gay just because they noticed his lack of interest on their hot bodies and sex appeal. He sometimes lets me know he is in the mood by being a clown when he is naked. I really love pretending I am not interested. I don't scare him by being too anxious. Sometimes he just grabs my hand and makes me touch him. We dont have sex regularly but we enjoy so much when we do.

Conclusion: This is my experience alone. If you have a higher sex drive than your husband, cheating is not the solution. Either you end up the relationship for good, or find ways to please yourself with toys, or find ways to communicate with him.
The relief of not feeling I'm from MARS
by: Anonymous

We have been together 14 years with two kids. married 5 years. My husband was married before. Initially sex was quiet good. Then I seemed to start an argument about our poor sex life, but he always had such plausible excuses. Stress. both working, two small children etc, the list is endless. I bought books, dressed up everything but I always felt like a fiend begging for sex. My self esteem went further and further down and up until this year I have felt like a sexless creature. I can face it now though, I'm in a sexless marraige. He says he has always found me attractive and is a very good dad, but I long to know what it is really like to be touched. For the first time I have now begun to realise why his first marraige broke up. And yes it is not my problem - He just has no interest in Sex. I cant figure out what to do
Its awful
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 18 years, 1 daughter and we have had this problem for some years. When we first got together everything was fine then for some reason it just cooled off. He says he loves me and finds me attractive but just hasnt the urge for sex. I am 39 he is 43. I get so upset and it all decends into arguments. Worse when we have had a drink. Last year we made love 3 times in 12 months, I am at my wits end as he is a great husband and father. I have told him how i feel and he always says he will try harder and he never changes.
testosterone levels
by: Anonymous

hi ladies:
Being in a similar situation as the majority of you i asked my husband to get his testosterone levels checked. the results were amazing. his level was 291 which the doctor described as "normal" but after further investigation we found out it was only normal for an 80+ year old man! (my husband is only 49.) because there is a large range and testosterone levels decrease over a man's lifetime a man can be "normal" but not in the right zone for his age. the doctor prescribed androgel, and it's only been a week but we've already noticed a difference. ;o)
when i think about all the
years we've wasted not getting it checked out, i
could just slap myself!
now if only something could be done about his need to turn off the heat...
I just don't get it!
by: Anonymous

I've been married for over 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My sex life with my husband was never 100% but lately is nonexistent. Today is 11/05/10 and I had sex 3 times this year!!!

Should I mention that I'm 31 years old and he is 34. I don't know what else to do, talking about doens't resolve just create more estress in our relationship. I feel very resentful of him because he doesn't seem to care and probably believes that I will live the rest of my life like this.

Don't get me wrong he is the most wonderful person, father I have ever met but when it comes down to sex... It seems like I am always the one to initiate, to complain about and all. I'm tired should I look for a doctor or an attorney?
I know What You Mean
by: mona

I have the same problem, my husband is great and my son loves him, but I`ve been begging him for sex all the time. I have a broken heart,and I am not satisfied. It's driving me crasy and I dont know what to do. He doesn't want to talk about it....I simply want him as a good friend, but I need a man who wants to touch me and makes love to me without me begging all the time. I would like to know how that feels like.:((
Boyfriend's Low Libido
by: Anonymous

So apparently we are all having the same problem. Has anyone come up with a solution?

I am so crazy about my boyfriend. He is very kind and giving and does his share around the house and everything. He's smart and funny and I really could not ask for anything more. We have a really great relationship-except when it comes to sex. We've only been together 15 months so you'd think we'd be hanging from the ceiling. But no.

I think I've figured out that we do it every other Friday morning, and I think he initiates it then only out of obligation, which is worse than not initiating at all.

We have talked about getting married, but there is no way I will do that until this issue is resolved.

I've tried talking to him about the subject, sending him sexy emails, talking dirty over IM-everything I can think of. But he is completely disinterested. And it's not just that I want the physical act of sex-I want to be touched and feel loved.

If all I wanted was sex I could get that easily. But I don't want to cheat on him, not only because it would hurt him terribly, but mainly because I don't want anyone else.

The shame, hurt, rejection, embarassment, and every other negative emotion is almost unbearable. It's all I can think about now. I used to have a great work ethic but now all I do is spend all day at work reading up on the subject.

A male friend of mine tried to explain that it's not me-it's his anxiety, performance issues, etc., but that's kind of hard for a woman to believe.

Any advice?
Not even married and I have a horrible sex life
by: Anonymous

Ok so i have been with my boyfriend now fiance for 8 and Half years... We never have sex unless i initiate it. We are in our early twenties and Im worried that if our sex life is bad now how is our marriage going to work?? He never comes on to me ever!!!! It has been bad for three years but at its been bad for a year now.

There was a point where we would have sex and he would go limp... or when when i come on to him and do freaky things he doesnt even get aroused. I would never cheat on him but I have needs and i feel so negelected. Im not ugly... not to brag... but when I am out guys hit on me all the time. I could see if I let myself go, but I try to be sexy with him and he laughs or ignores me or goes to sleep.

I need affection..someone to kiss me caress me and take their time with me. I hear other people talk about how intence their sex life is and I have never experienced any of those things. He doesnt make ne feel sexy at all. I think we have made passionate sex once or twice in our entire relationship...besides that the sex is pretty predictable and boring.

Their is no connection. Im confused if marriage is the right thing because he is my best friend but not my lover at all !!
Too Young For This? :(
by: Anonymous

Hey, my partner is under 30 but is already showing huge signs of low libido/or is it me?.

He oogles beautiful women on tv, magazines and online news articles yet doesnt touch me? Its been driving me insaine for nearly 2 years and I have been so very supportive to him by googling help and things such as this yet he gets angry when it is mentioned and has seen one doctor about it but thats it, he wont see any more as he says that he is ok with not wanting sex.

But I am in the relationship too and sex makes me happy so I really dont see why such a joyful thing is turned on me like im out of order :(

please advise me im so stuck its untrue :(
No sex for Five years
by: Anonymous

What a relief to hear this I've been married for 24 years and the last Five year's my husband and I have not had sex, he's told me he doesn't love as much as he used to but wants us to stay married, I think is problem is an age one I'm 43 and this seems to be problem to him I keep myself fit and look good for my age, I just think men find it harder to sustain a relationship sexually when the women is getting old.
Wow
by: Anonymous

I've come to seek information, and now that I've found some I'm not sure what to do with it! My story is very very similar to all of yours. Together 11 years, Married 3. No children yet. I am constantly yearning for the feeling of someone genuinely wanting ME. I usually always initiate any sexual situation that happens in our relationship, and I always feel like he is doing me a favor.

As a woman, it really is a blow to my self-esteem. Most of the time the story is exactly opposite, it makes me feel like there is somthing wrong with me. If I ever try to speak to any of my girlfriends about it they just tell me he either is A.) plain not attracted to me at all, B.) Seeing someone else, or C.) is gay, all of which I don't believe are true. He also has premature ejaculation issues that I have been very understanding and sensitive to.

I believe it makes it a lot less enjoyable to him to have a problem like that, but he does not put forth the effort to try to correct the problem. I also think if you had sex more than once or twice a month the problem wouldn't be so severe. I've found myself looking at other men, fantasizing, considering my options....it is dangerous territory. We've talked on numerous occasions about it with NO results. We are very open and honest in general, and otherwise have a good relationship.

He basically says that he finds me attractive, but does not desire sex enough to do anything about it. He said that although he loves me, and thinks I am attractive, he almost has more of a "roommate" type feelings for me making sex seem awkward to him. I'm only 25 years old, and I often think that if I need something more than this I should be pursuing it NOW, before children, before I'm older.

While it is almost nice to know that I am not the only one in this situation, I cannot say it makes be feel entirely better because the stories seems more common then the solutions.
Glad Im not the ONLY one!!
by: Anonymous

Hubby & I have been married for 16 years, We use to Have A great sex life! It was very "kinky" & open to try new things.
But, In the past 2 years, It has went down hill "Big Time"!! I'm not writing Anything I have not discussed with him.. We have had Many talks about it, Ive told him it makes me feel unattractive,unworthy, Not Wanted..Etc. He says it is nothing to do with me he just don't have the desire anymore!! He Use to want sex AT least every other day..AND you know what, Even if I didn't Want to I did anyways!! He does not have a problem "getting it up" just a big problem gettin him in the bedroom!! We MIGHT have sex ONCE a month!! Ive ask him to just come lay down with me & "play " around with me & my "toys".. HE SAYS NO.. He don't feel like it!!!
Im At my wits end!! Its getting harder & harder to be faithful!! Especially when I have a few other men showing me attention,.. I just truly want my Hubby..BUT, He don't want me back :(
2yrs married
by: Anonymous

Most women here seems to have been in their relationship for years before the problem occurred. I have only been married 2 years last Monday. My husbands libido has been low for bout the last year maybe. We have not had sex in over a month. And if we do have some affection. It's everything else except sex.

I'm very frustrated, and have thought of cheating, but I can never do that to my husband. He has put on a lot of weight, which is probably the mane cause, as much as I try to keep him on track to lose weight, I think I need to scare him to lose. Threaten him to leave the relationship if we don't set a plan to fix the issues.

I'm not someone that can sit back and ride the wave. However this is much easier said as we don't have children.

About 6 yrs, he was in a big car accident. That reduced the size and sometimes makes sex painful. The pain is also related to his weight gain. I feel like a bitch complaining about it, but Its driving me nuts! If I initiate, he will respond. But I also need to feel desired. I hope this issue is resolved soon
Confused!
by: Anonymous

I left my previous husband after 15yrs due to many factor's... But one reason was because I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. He was insensitive, jerk, showed little to no affection or caring and I felt like it was my duty to have sex with him. He didn't even attempt to turn me on, just expected me to be ready to perform on his command. So I was the one with the low sex drive in that relationship.

Fast forward, I'm now engaged to one of the most wonderful caring men I have ever met. However, Now I am the one begging for sex. He has an extremely low sex drive. In the beginning we'd have sex once a week. Then it fell to a couple times a month. Then I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and ...Now I'm lucky I we have sex once a month. I've tried not to pressure him because I know how that feels. It makes you grow resentmment towards your partner for what feels like your failure. But I really want to have sex with him. He always says how beautiful and sexy I am... How he loves me and I am his everything. I want to believe him because that's how I feel about him... But we have no sex life!!! I'm looking at our up coming wedding and wondering if I'm making a mistake. Everything else is perfect though. He does occasionally masterbate in secret, he has wet dreams, when we do have sex it is amazing... It's just very infrequent. I was going through the phone bill and found a couple numbers I didn't recognize and found with some internet research that the numbers are for someone selling viagra on craigs list. I feel horrible that he doesn't feel like he can be open with me about it. It explains why the last time we went on vacation... The one nig we had sex lasted all night long. But then we didn't have sex for over a month.

I don't see why he would want to marry someone that doesn't even turn him on... When all he hs to do is kiss me ans I melt in his arms.

Feeling like something is very wrong and missing.
I want my man!!!
by: Frustrated lady.

My husband and I are young and in the first year of our relationship we had a great sex life. After we started living together his sex drive dramatically and quickly declined whereas mine has remained the same.

Now, 5 years in and married, we are lucky if he can 1-2 times a month. I try so hard to be supportive, but it hurts so much. All those insecure and paranoid thoughts and feelings take over. It just confuses me so much for we both look the same if not better than when we met, our stress levels are about the same, and we don't have kids (which won't happen as long as this continues). He's seen a few doctors about it, we've talked about, I've tried to be patient, but nothing is working.

I think what is worse is how much it is hurting him too. I know it makes him feel inadequate and he is so sincere when he say's he's sorry. It just hurts that even the affections and intimacy is non existent due to his fear of arousing me and not being able to fulfill what he's started. Its so embarrassing for both of us and I just don't know what to do anymore. The toys just are not doing it for me anymore...I want my man.
see a doctor
by: Anonymous

Definitely try to have him see a doctor. My husband has never had much of a sex drive and in the 4 years we have been together it went from very low to virtually non existent. Now we are wanting to have kids but it is painful since he still sometimes can't make himself work up any enthusiasm. Finally I insisted he see a doctor who diagnosed him with hypogonadism.

It turned out he has an extremely low level of testosterone. Now he is on medication so I am hoping a change will come. It is such a sad and frustrating situation though. I had never had a partner with any sort of sexual dysfunction before so this has left me alternately angry and hopeless and depressed feeling as though I am missing out on what could have been such a wonderful and healthy part of our lives.

It frustrates me to no end that I am so careful not to bruise his ego or seem demanding so I rarely voice my feelings in the matter. I used to be so adventurous and enjoyed sex so much but I've become completely shy and timid.
newlyweds
by: Anonymous

If I could turn back time and not get married, i would. When we were dating, I used to see him 2 times a week and we would have sex, only for it to last 3 min if I was lucky. I thought it was because he had not seen me for the whole week and that when we marry, it would be longer. I was wrong, we don't have sex. He never satisfies me. I even cried and complained to him on our honeymoon, and nothing changed, if we do it, its short and once he is done, he always leaves me hanging. Now we have not had sex in 5 months and we have just been married 2 years, it has been getting worse as time goes by.

I don't know what to do. He NEVER EVER compliments me, ( I am good looking and have a great body ) Does he resent me? I don't think it is because he is good looking too. He just never touches me or kisses me or tells me I am beautiful. He can never say I love you to my face. I need some attention, love and sex, we have a 5 month old son now and the thought of leaving him is hard, I would do anything for my son, even if it means hiding my misery forever or until he is married.

He works a lot and goes to bed real early so we don't even spend time together, I think it is an excuse so he doesn't have to feel the pressure of having to sleep with me. I have a normal sex drive and I am very adventurous when it comes to sex. I don't know what else to do.
Lonely Wife
by: Anonymous

When me and my husband first met sex was incredible but this only lasted for up to 6 mths. I should have got a hint that he had a low sex drive due to the fact that he was in a sexless relationship prior to meeting me. I was told that it was her lack of drive that meant he had only had sex twice in the previous 3 yrs. About 6 mths in, however, I caught him looking at porn on the internet and what disgusted me the most was that he was looking at pages containing transexuals!

He dismissed it as curiosity and that also his friend came round a lot and they looked and laughed at pages together on the internet but that he was not actually attracted to these images. He is definitely a boob man but I do worry that he secretly likes a penis as well. He never goes down on me. We never have any sexual contact when I have my period even though I have stressed that intercourse does not have to be a part of it, just a hand will do.

I used to flirt with him to get him in the mood, put out candles, caressed him and even asked right out. The response is pretty much always a resounding "no" which makes me feel utterly dejected. I have given up suggesting sex. When he's in the mood though, I do go through with it even though I sometimes want to "punish" him by saying no myself so that he knows what it feels like. When we do have sex though it is fantastic which I think is partly down to the fact that I do love him so much. It makes me feel as though I'm acting like a slut since it is always an issue.

If I try to discuss it with him he will invariably get angry but sometimes he listens. We had a good chat the other day and I thought I had got somewhere with him. I showered and spruced myself up in the hope that it may lead somewhere but come 11pm he turned to me, said goodnight, kissed me and went to sleep. I lay there frustrated, lonely, angry and dejected so I masturbated whilst thinking of a buff actor..... Ha..

Seriously, it hurts to feel this way when every other part of the relationship is fantastic and all you want is for your husband to desire you as much as you desire him. It makes you feel that you are not the object of his desire and you are always questioning what IS the object of their desire? I think this is why you are always questioning and wondering whether if you had bigger boobs, a smaller waist, blond hair not brown or a penis that that may make you more desirable to them.

Funny really because the problem is with the men but us woman will always think that the problem lies with us because all we want to do is please our man and it appears that whatever we are trying to do is obviously not working so we look at other ways of changing ourselves. They just accept the fact that they have a low sex drive and it is a case of "live with it or leave" for us woman. I can see why some woman seek the attention of another man now and again as it gives them validation of the fact that they ARE desirable.
Masturbating over making love
by: Joanna

I read all these comments and feel every ounce of pain echoed in my own relationship. My husband is an absolutely wonderful and often affectionate man outside the bedroom, but behind closed doors his libido has come to a screeching halt.

The BIGGEST concern I have is that my husband loves to surf porn and masturbate. He comes home in the mornings for an hour or so before going back to work and does his thing (I'm at work). At night, he takes no interest in me. While I am crying in my pillow trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong that makes him desire me less, he's been taking care of his own business rather then letting me do it with him. He is aware of my feelings and I am very candid with him, but he really doesn't seem to see a problem with it and will throw in a pithy comment like, "I swear, you're worse then a guy when it comes to sex." And yes, I take of myself too, but seriously, it ain't the same. If anything, it's just frustrating because I want him to be the one to take care of my needs.

I just don't know what to do because this constant questioning of my self-esteem and growing insecurities is not who I am as a person. I love my husband more then anything, but how much can any of us taken. I feel like I'm being beaten down and continually compromising my happiness a little chunk at a time. It feels like a form of psychological abuse that I don't know if I can hang with much longer.
i get sad too and I'm sick of it
by: leeza

Hi, we have been married 6 months, I'm 27, he's 29, have 2 cats, no kids, and he has always had a low sex drive.

I think us women tend to forget that men are very different from us. They need to stay fit to last longer in bed, they need to eat well and sleep well to have a healthy and happy sex life.
Going to the gym together works. You both get healthy, fit, and you both start looking better. Looking appealing and being happy are huge turn-ons for men. Dress up! put some make up on! get pretty clothes! do it for yourselves! BE SEXY! he'll get the idea.

But what's most important, i think, is that our husbands might see sex differently. Sex, to me is relaxing. So, even if i had a bad day i can start something with my husband. Sex to him is a prize. Yes... a prize he allows himself to have if he had a good day, or if his meetings went well, etc...

Thus, if he had a bad day, he won't want sex.
Asking your male directly will allow you to understand what sex is to them, then you can start to assess the problem at hand.

I might sound too positive, don't get me wrong, I also get sad. I get sad for days, weeks at a time. The worst part is that I can't control my emotions and right after he said "no sex tonight" I start to sob. But the crying does not help, It doesn't get me anywhere! If I cry he just turns around!

When i get this depressed we go under a dry-spell. So, one day I did the complete opposite. I asked for sex and when he said no I pretended I didn't care, I ignored him, and put some sexy clothes to sleep. He was puzzled and intrigued. Next few days I stopped asking and kept dressing sexier. After a while he just said yes and we had sex. Try it, or make something up, it's your own marriage.
heart-breaking
by: Anonymous

I have been with my husband 9 years, married for 2 with no kids. We have never had a great sex life and to start with it was about once every few weeks. It just got worse from then and it has now been over 6 months. It's like he's a lodger who just happens to share a bed with me! I am at my breaking point.

It got so bad we had a massive row and i guilted him into doing something about it. He went to the Drs for blood tests, has been taking anti-depressants, and is in counseling. He is trying so hard, but i think it's too late. It has been so long that the very thought makes me feel odd and my self confidence was at an all time low.

I have recently been getting a lot of attention from a guy and am seriously thinking of having an affair...what a waste of a decade...

Give me a good reason why I shouldn't...
Isn't he too young for this???!!!
by: danielle

My husband and I have been married for only two years, about 6 month into the relationship, before we got married, its like a huge halt came in our sex life. For christs sake my husband and I are 22 years old!!! He works a lot and is tired and I completely understand, but I'm tired of being unsatisfied, we have sex now about once every three months, and it lasts for 10 minutes. My husband could care less about sex.

It got to the point where I was always offering to please him by performing oral sex for him, because that was the closest I could get, and he loves it when I do it but he still doesn't even want that and I offer at least once a week. I have confronted him so many times about it and all it does is put pressure on him.

I love him so much and our marriage is perfect in every other aspect except for this. I am ready to pull my hair out, I cry every couple of nights and I know I can't make him want me, its just how he is, I guess I am worried that it will become a bigger issues in later years, I expected it to be like this once we had kids or something, but by looking at the way its going now I figure by then, we just won't ever have sex at all. I figured writing might help me cope, because I'm tired of crying all the time and figured this would be a healthier way to vent.
loving, waiting, patient, frustrated, learning, waiting more...
by: Anonymous

I think people who haven't had a partner with low sex drive don't know what it's like. It's not just about dealing with the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship, and it's not just about the sex... after all if we just wanted "SEX" we'd leave our partners and find someone else.. No, it's about loving that person heart and soul and wanting to share yourself and connect with them, be with them. I find it so painful to be turned away by my fiance, who i know does love me very much, and every now and again he does want sex with me, but it's very brief and he is not very giving as a lover..

I think it's because he lacks confidence.. i just feel such a strong attraction at a molecular level! And i would just love sex play even if kissing and cuddling and touching and holding, even if no sex, so when he keeps his back turned and doesn't respond when i approach him, it is so hurtful. And sometimes he rejects me in an almost condescending way, as if he's somehow better.

And yes, I've often in the past had the experience of being teased and aroused, then just suddenly abandoned ... left cold.. that's really hurtful and controlling. But I don't think it's just that, i think in this case it's a mixture of things, and he is now in recovery from addiction so he is more whole and living in truth now.. so, slowly slowly.. but sometimes i am in such doubt.. i love him and he loves me, and we are learning and growing together emotionally and spiritually, yet I also question myself.. I have been with him a year and a half, and if we continue, will I just be looking back in five or ten years, at a loving but frustrating marriage?

I should know better, I am 41 now, I don't have years to waste in an unsatisfying relationship. But the thing is, emotionally the relationship is satisfying, and it is honest and healthy. Sometimes though I think I need to love myself enough, and be honest and truthful enough for both my sake and his, to stand up on this issue and say, I can't go on ignoring it and "just coping" with it, because i don't want our life together to be about "just coping". We have had wonderful sex in the past, hardly ever any penetrative sex but very satisfying giving and sharing, yet always with a mismatch in levels of desire.
Happens in all stages!
by: Anna

I'm a newly wed of oh 10 days and my hubby and I have always had problems with his low sex drive. You'd think us still being in that sparkly honeymoon stage would have us tearing each others clothes off but no. When we first started dating it was non stop, I'm talking at least 5 times a day one after another.

It was like that for months, but then it started to dwindle. It got really bad a few years back to the point that I would do those spontaneous sexy things like dust in lingerie, tape a dirty note to our door and be waiting in the nude on our bed, and still he didn't want it. 'I have a head ache' or 'I'm tired' ... isn't it usually the woman who is supposed to be saying that heh.

It got so bad I'd go to bed crying because I thought he didn't want me or he was having an affair, that I was ugly, etc. Things got better, but they're once again getting to that point. We're both very stressed, but we make time to go out on dates and cuddle and go on romantic strolls and still nothing. I'm starting to once again feel insecure about myself.

Not to mention I'm tired of always having to instigate the foreplay or say 'Lets go to the bedroom' What's wrong with men these days!!!!????
Venting
by: Anonymous

I have been married to a wonderful man for 21 years. For all but the last 2 months, sex with my husband has been wonderful, adventurous and fulfilling. For the past month, stress from every side has increased with finances, work and family issues. Instead of working on these problems in a husband/wife partnership, my husband began ridiculing me, siding with our teenage children in every matter.

Then sex decreased in frequency. Then he stopped talking to me and doing our usual activities, such as our evening walk together as a couple. Then sex stopped altogether, along with all forms of affection.

Finally, he became downright mean and rude to me, treating me like a pariah. During this downhill slide, at first I tried to have a sense of humor and ignore the slights, then finally confronted him about what was going on -- I figured an open, honest discussion was the best possible solution. Trouble is, he says he doesn't know what's going on with him.

He has since started treating me with respect again, but shows me absolutely no affection or love, neither by words or actions, and we have basically become roommates. He says he is committed to our marriage, but I don't understand how he can commit to a relationship he obviously doesn't wish to sustain. We are going for marriage counseling, but I have a feeling he is suffering from depression and needs personal counseling + meds.

I am so sad and lonely, but try not to show it because that just drives him further away. The only change I've made in all this time is that I stopped buying him beer...come to think of it, about 4-6 weeks ago...because I disliked the fact that I was enabling my husband to stay drunk every Friday and Saturday night, since he doesn't know when to stop.

He's not a mean drunk, just becomes a sad, sodden, useless lump who can't walk or talk and is a terrible example to our sons. He has since started buying his own beer, since he won't go without. It's heartbreaking to think there's a possibility my husband loves his beer more than he loves me.
My High Sex Drive & His Low Sex Drive
by: Anonymous

I seem to think I am abnormal as I have a high sex drive, yet my hubby whom I absolutely adore, has an extremely low one. We may have sex 1 to 2 times a month. I have started refusing to go down on him, as then we might have sex 1 time a month, and he hasn't gone down on me in, ohh I can remember how long.

When we first got together we had an absolutely wonderful sex life, but after I moved out of the place I was sharing with my roommate and into my own place it dropped off dramatically. So I don't think it something medical as nothing changed during that time.

He doesn't want me to initiate as that "pressures" him and he has a harder time "performing", but then he gets irritated because I don't initiate more often. I can't win for losing. He loves to tease and get me aroused and doesn't understand when I shy away from his touch.

It is too painful to be aroused with no follow thru for who knows how long.

He says he thinks I'm sexy and he finds me attractive, but does he really? I love being intimate with him, but I am wondering if it is really worth it, as intercourse usually lasts less than a minute as his stamina is non existent. He knows this and we have discussed needing to have more sex to try to increase his stamina, but with his disinterest in sex, well you can see where that is going.

I am lost, I don't want to be "petty" and make sex the whole basis of our marriage, but as the same time I need something more. Any ideas??? Oh and we have tried Viagra it just turned his vision blue.
Does it get better?
by: Anonymous

It is such a shame-I used to feel so sad when I was in that situation. I was with my partner for eleven years and for the last four we basically had a sexless relationship. I tried everything, talking to him, he went to the doctor, patience but nothing worked. He just didn't want it-I grew parnoid and insecure and I hated myself. I felt it must be my fault somehow-and then one day he turned around and said to me that the reason he did not want sex was because he had a problem with the fact I was abused as a child. He confirmed what I had always feared-that it was me he had the problem with. That was the point of no return for me. I finally asked him to leave and he did, two months ago. I am now going to work and minding my children, while trying to reassure myself that its ok, that this situation cannot be as bad as the one I was in and the only way is up.
Same Sexual Frustration In My Case
by: Anonymous

Same in my case, married for 7 years with 2 kids. For past one year I have been feeling its me who takes an initiative to start not him. I really feel dejected when he simply refuses.

Once it starts he satisfies me fully. But this wasn't the case before. He always took initiative. We used to do once a week but now even once a week he doesn't want to. He thinks I put him into pressure and I also don't want sex its just I want to do this as part of duty.

Its not so. He thinks I don't have an urge at all. Although he doesn't have the urge. Sometimes he fails to ejaculate and ends up masturbating but he hides that from me. I can't leave him as I have kids. But I'm utterly depressed.
TALK TO A DOCTOR
by: Kallie

Don't give up's comment that no one has a low sex drive is just plain wrong. Many, many things can be responsible for low sex drives including high cholesterol, drug interactions, hormone imbalance etc. your husband needs to talk to his doctor directly and honestly

It is so important to talk to your husband no matter how painful it is and lay it out on the table, for example you may say "I want 5 minutes of kissing, 5 minutes of touching and 10 minutes of intercourse two times a week" I will give you what you want two times a week in exchange. Get over the idea of a romantic marriage.

Real adult marriages are based on commitment,respect, honesty and working together to build a stable financial base and raise a family (kids or dogs or whatever you have) Yes, you will feel like brother and sister some years, Yes you will be sick of each other some years but in the long run love will prevail with a worth that is beyond words.

That having been said, don't stay with an abusive husband that lies constantly; your mental and physical health might be on the line.

Also, some studies have found that 1 out of 4 men may have been molested as children. This may make having a healthy adult sex life difficult.
People DO have low sex drives.
by: Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend for over five years, we were close friends in high school and College. We started dating half way through college. He has a very low sex drive, he hasn't had sex with many people, not because he isn't attracted to them, He just has no sexual urge to go that final step.

He gets aroused and everything when we play, there just is no sex drive to go farther. He does very rarely actually get the urge to, its around like maybe twice a month, but its still there. He just simply has a low sex drive.
My husband says he doesnt think about sex!
by: Anonymous

Cory and I had been dating for 9 years and just got married Sept. 2007. Our sex life before we lived together was perfect. I don't understand once we started living together why there is little to no affection from him.

He said he does not want me to approach him for sex and so I don't. Now his excuse for not having sex is because he knows i am just sitting there waiting for him to have sex with me and that makes him feel pressured.

It's not like I am waiting naked on the bed when he gets home, although most men would love that. We have very separate lives not by my choice!!!! I don't know how much longer I handle this marriage anymore like the rest of the women. The hardest part is my husband works out all the time, I also do.

My point is I think he is totally in lust with himself and not me!
Forever Lonely
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We dated for 8 years and have been married for 2. I noticed a sudden change in our sex life when we started living together after marriage.

I am so lonely because we live in a small apartment together but we have little to no contact with each other and being in such a small apartment make things worse for me. I desire him so much but he has said in the past he does not want me to approach him for affection, he would rather initiate any contact. I dont understand why he wanted to marry me if he really does not want any contact with me.

He wants to start a family next year but how can we do that when we never have sex, in addition I am going to be 40 next year and who know I probably can get pregnant anyway. I have thought about having an affair but really all I want is him but the need for male contact is so strong within myself.
low sex drive
by: Anonymous

My husband is the same way. When we do have sex it lasts for about 10 seconds. He really has no stamina and fast to orgasm. It drives me crazy to the point that I just don't want to have sex. We have been married for 10 years going on 11 amd he has always been this way. He is a great husband and otherwise I cannot complain. But I can say I cannot imagine growing old like this.

I know he is very attracted to me and I am sure that is the case with everyone who is experiencing this problem. It really does get old. I am at my wits end and ready to just say No more sex period. It just isn't worth it. well..good luck to all you ladies experiencing the same problem Maybe they will make a magic pill that will help him.

I have thought of having my husband go to the doctor and take some Viagra. Any feedback on that.
This Is So Crazy!!!
by: Anonymous

Well are all you ladies ready for this one ???
I think i got all you beat. it has been 4 years and 4 months for me... help !!!!!!!
Sweet gay guy who wanted a family or low libido?
by: Anonymous

I definitely have the best husband and most loving father for our children that I could ever hope for, but our marriage is sexless.

It was great dating him for the 8 months we dated he was amazing in bed. He never wanted to go down on me and only went down on me once when he had been drinking and I asked him too. He was caught soliciting gay men on the internet years ago and so I just assumed he was bi-sexual and lost interest in women.

It has been years since that incident and he seem to have given that practice up. So I don't know if it's low libido or that he finds men more attractive. I love him with all my heart but when the kids are raised I don't know if we will last.

He allows himself to be dragged into counseling but he doesn't seem to want to change. It will be so hard to give up such a wonderful friend and I know I will never find this type of guy again. I know he loves me.

I just don't know how long I can go without sex. I was a virgin when I married him. So it's probably been easier for me than for other women. But it is still a bit of a downer.
Low Sex Drives Do Exist!
by: Lynn

Unless you are a doctor, you don't know that low sex drive's don't exist. My husband is the same way, he said ever since he was a teen, he has never had much of a sex drive. Of course I didn't know this until after we started dating (and had already been in love since we were best friends for years before that).

I love my husband to death, but sometimes wonder if the lack of sex is going to kill our relationship. I want him to see a doctor to see what's wrong with him. Because I used to be very sexual, and don't have much of a drive myself these days, I'm tired of being the one to make a move.

I wish I could tell you what to do, but I'm in the same rut you are in.

I'm going to take my husband to the porn shop tomorrow and see if there's any toys that we can play with together.

but... Ii am a phone sex operator and talk to many guys who don't want to have sex with their wives because they are secretively gay or want to be a woman and dominated.... my husband hears these calls and says he's not like that, that he just has a low drive. but if you get the sense that he's doing one of those things, keep that in mind.
Don't give up
by: Anonymous

The newness is going to wear off no matter who it is. But I wouldn't give up your whole relationship, if the sex is the only thing that is the problem. And usually guys might have a low sex drive when they are in a rut, maybe he is not as attracted to you anymore.

Maybe you should both go to the gym or watch porn together, do whatever it takes. No one has low sex drive, they just get not interested anymore. Which causes the low sex drive.

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